 A hush, But it's a havoc; Birds twitter, Reality bites and they wreath; Leaves, fluid in motion, Inhaling their last gasps; Trees, standing tall, Atlast their backs torn by saws; Animals, proud of their influoroscent colors, Death has taken its toll; Gravity bind raindrops once giving life, Now usher in the floods; Rivers, availabilty free, Lie cold and dry; A sound of joy, a chasm in the air, Air is gone, humans cry. |
Sunday, August 2, 2009
NATURE
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this is more apt to teh way u wanted to present// nice one dude..
ReplyDelete[A hush,
ReplyDeleteBut it's a havoc;]
^
A neat opening, enough to gather the reader's interest, and to evoke the traces of a image in the reader's mind. However, I would like to make a suggestion here- if you would like to write in such a precise and compact form it would be better if you cut the 'but'(s) and 'it'(s). Personally, it would have been more influential if you would've written:
A hush-
It's havoc
OR
A hush-
A havoc
See where I'm coming from?
[Birds twitter,
Reality bites and they wreath;]
^
Firstly, wreath is no where near appropriate for this phrase. Wreath,
a) Is a noun. Thus the phrase 'they wreath', is not grammatically correct.
b)Is not appropriate. Wreath generally is the term used to refer to a ring of flowers, boughs or leaves- which is sometimes portrayed on the heads of Greek gods and also on Christ's head. It is also used to refer to a ring or circlet- but not agony- as you suggest in these lines.
I would therefore, use the word 'scream' instead, to make my second point.
Again, I would suggest, either write in full phrases like:
The birds twitter,
But reality bites:
They scream.
Or in a more compact manner:
Birds twitter-
Reality bites;
Scream.
Along with the content of the poem, which I must state, you do vividly imagine- you need to focus on the flow of the poem. It just leaves a greater impact.
[Leaves, fluid in motion,
Inhaling their last gasps;]
^
The same again. Formatting. Otherwise, it cuts the flow.
Leaves,
Fluid in motion-
Inhaling:
Last gasps.
Or in any other form, you see the flow apt.
The suggestions are pretty much the same for the remainder of the poem.
Another minute detail I would like to point out in the last to lines is:
[A sound of joy, a chasm in the air,
Air is gone, humans cry.]
^
Apart from the fact, that the flow is not apt, the use of the word 'air' is too frequent. Try to use a synonym, instead of the same word twice. It is more in harmony with the rest of the phrase.
Remember, the essence of poetry lies in the harmony and beauty, of the poem as a whole.
great yaar. . .hw did u think of it??!!
ReplyDelete